noted 020218

When the universe says jump, you a) hesitate, b) stumble, c) stand still and wait for it to tell you why, or d) fucking jump.

My friend and I were abruptly fired from jobs we disliked with different companies at the same time on the same day. Yesterday, around 10:30 a.m., to be precise. We talked last night over celebratory beers, he, I, and Antoinette, sitting at a long wooden table in the local charmer of a microbrewery/pub a few freezing blocks from home. We talked of being youthful—not in the sense of retrieving some idealized and long-lost youth but following simple, natural openness and curiosity rather than adhering stickily to adultish controllingness, supposed tos, and should bes. We talked of timing and of packing up and (finally) going west and the gift we’d both just that morning been given.

I actually enjoyed my job for about four months, from August to December of last year, after two years hating nearly every minute of my previous one, with the company that just released my friend into the wild. But things had been rough since December, culminating (finally) in my unceremonious discharge. My friend said he felt free. I said I felt relief. Deep, encompassing relief. My now-former boss said it wasn’t due to my performance or personality. I said I know. A job is just a thing I can do. For a while.

Later last night, back at home, sitting on the edge of the bed for a while, thinking was a thing I could do. As I sat I imagined the inside of my skull as the starry firmament and felt what I can only refer to as peaceful. Not instead of everything else I felt, but along with it. Thick, tangled underbrush had been creeping up the hill toward me from the edges of the forest of thoughts below, but yesterday it ignited and burned and I watched wisps of smoke waft into the starry night sky and the last glowing embers fade. Anxious, excited, afraid, at peace. Everything is just as it should be, I said to Antoinette. She said that’s right. We knew what was coming, and now we know something else is. Jump.

 

8 thoughts on “noted 020218”

  2. Someone with your intellect won’t have difficulty finding work again, that is, if you still want or need one. You only have to choose sth that isn’t a struggle to go to every morning even if the job doesn’t pay much. Anyhow, what’s really good is that you’re no longer trapped by something that makes you feel miserable and you now have all the freedom to make whatever plans that would lead to a more satisfying life for yourself.

    I’ve read a post about your father — I’m not sure if it’s fiction or real. You must’ve been going through a lot if it’s true. His photos and your few stories about him I’d always found endearing. Hope you’re doing fine, M.

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    1. Thank you for this. You’re quite right: I’m no longer subject to that unfortunate environment and can choose my path. I believe in timing and character; I was looking for a way out and that’s what I got, because it was time and because my constitution had come to require it.

      As for my father, I don’t think any of my mentions of him in anything I’ve posted here have been fictional. He is ill and can only survive, not recover. Yes, he has been a major influence and a colossal figure in my life, but I’m dealing with things as they come. And so, I believe, is he. I appreciate your compassion, thank you.

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      1. I have no doubt things will work out well for you because you seem to know what you really want out of your life. One major lesson I’ve learned: life can indeed be so unpredictable — sometimes sweet; many times sour; some goals I’ve met; some I didn’t. Just the same, I’m glad to still be around and doing okay — or it could mean I’ve simply grown massively older 🙂 .

        Making presumptions is what I try to refrain from especially when touching on delicate or sensitive concerns, preventing me to ask in a forthright manner. I know very little about your father — only through a handful of narratives regarding him in the past — yet I wish him well, M. I remember before you put out your own pics, there was some time it was his image (uh, with a bit dapper hair 🙂 ) I conjured up drafting all those beautiful prose. Yes such matters we could only deal as they come. I’ve aspired for the right things to say as to circumstances like this; still I come up short. But my heart goes out to both of you.

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About mischa

I write things about stuff, and sometimes stuff about things. Depends on the day.