nowhere, now here

banville

Read books, I swear I have, real ones, quite a few, in fact. And I suspect I’ll read a few more, in part, in whole, maybe even write some. Who knows. I better. Some might say they’ve gotten me nowhere, these books, and that’s just because here is, they think. But is is just a seems and I hate to be so cagey and sententious but they don’t see the seams and I’m damn near bursting, now, here.

Nowhere is a has been, a washed up was, I’d tell them, because there’s always more and what else.

What else, for the sake of argument, what else. Places, people, things, and dreams. Losses, gains, and memories, lost and gained. All has been, was, wasn’t, and used to be. What else could I say.

Could say I’ve been places that were little more than spaces, left places that had become more like things, longed for things I could only imagine somehow as places, and dreamed of unplaceable places and completely speakable things. Like home. Like love.

Could say I’ve found people, tried people, hurt people, pushed, pulled, left, adored, known, despised, seen, needed, renounced, loved people—and been. Could say I’ve had long conversations with some of them and longer arguments with others and with them too that somehow meant more and said less. Could say I’ve been terrible, terrible, and also not so.

Could say I’ve had audiences and a little recognition, caused a little stir, here and there but not much, barely anything, really. Could say I’ve hidden from it all, places, people, life, self.  Could say I’ve denied it; could also say I’ve made it work. Could say I’ve lost, won, gained, forgotten, and been lost and found and then lost again. Hopefully not forgotten.

But what does it matter now. There’s a line in a song I know but can’t remember that says you have to do it all just to know where it gets you. Could say I’m on my way, then, in my way, quite possibly to nowhere. I need to know if. And that, my friends, is somewhere. It’s now, here. The if is the I am and will be.

4 Comments

  1. Not once had I judged a blogger as a person through the revelations of his or her writings. Ok, so maybe, just maybe, I did (secretly) — once or twice or thrice to others. But never to you, M. Or I wouldn’t have become, to this day, one of your dedicated followers here.

    That I think of you as a lovely person has never changed. You are thoughtful plus you can feel deeply about people in your life and many things here and there, and that alone makes you the awesome being that you are.

    I guess the world lacks something that avant-garde souls like you endlessly seek. I guess.

    But we’re living and breathing and reading and writing, and whatnot. That’s good enough reason to be around, right, right? Say yes, yes. 🙂

    Peace. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I appreciate that, I appreciate all those kind things you said, but feel free also to judge me by my writing too, as long as it’s fair. And preferably favorable—ha. I thought of something along these lines just last night, in fact: I can only write for myself. It may sound obvious, and maybe I’m the last one to understand just what that means, but all I know is that when I write for me, I’m honest and true. When I don’t, I’m not. Not much philosophy in that statement, as Milosz said, but it has been borne out by experience. I’m a better writer, and a better person, when I do it for me, when it makes my sense. I guess it’s both selfish and selfless.

      And yes, yes of course it’s enough. Living, breathing, reading, and writing and whatnot. Those are the only reasons I know. Especially the whatnot.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I hope you find time to submit your works to those who may help you get published there. I’ve read how bloody hard and long it could take as almost everyone these days wants the honor of being called a writer — even if they don’t have it 🙂 . But you do. I”ve heard you can try sending your works to publishing companies first before releasing them here on WP.

        Writing for yourself — that’s what hooked me to reading your pieces in the first place. Guileless and upfront. It takes a little adjustment on my part but I’m actually gladder that more people will find you here to appreciate and enjoy your blog.

        The whatnots are quite worth it, I agree, I agree.

        Liked by 1 person

leave something

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s