Have you ever fallen for someone at the sound of their voice? No, he said. But I’ve created it. Sometimes you need something, so that’s what you do. It’s not always good, mind you, maybe not even often. Be excited, though—that’s why thoughts end up meaning so much. Enlightenment is not just caring whether what you do is of any value, it’s acknowledging that it probably isn’t. The things that sidetrack us online reveal what we’re really after anyway.
I was looking for a video of Derrida describing the moment before sleep when he’s the closest to truth but found myself searching sheepishly, distraction-blind to the thread of thoughts between, for a skeleton I’d kissed in a dream standing on a plateau beneath a giant sky, taken by my dream-lack of astonishment at the absolute-ness of her fleshless recognizability and acknowledging the parallel impossibility of knowing whether I’d actually found “her” and couldn’t hear her “speak,” settling instead on a strange and roving spellbinding “piece” about apparitions, fodder for more to make.
Originally published on Hijacked Amygdala.
2 thoughts on “groping for attention’s instruments”
Hi, M. as usual I don’t fully get your exact message but I hope you don’t mind as i share here in length and in complete candor my own experience that may be congruent to your theme:
They say you can’t grow old in this realm and so my more than seven years on social media has given me, from different periods, around four to five “loves” so far; yeah, my empty run-of-the-mill existence is to blame for that 🙂 . Worse, I had started perceiving how men in my real life could never measure up to my bright interesting online “fancies” who were able to articulate themselves in swish English.
Here’s the thing, I used to beat myself up whenever my sensitive vulnerable nature had inevitably slid into this sphere. What I should have realized then was the opportunity for me to be singularly inspired by such occurrence for the benefit of my scribbling goals. Yet I had vowed never ever ever… What did I know, just recently a simple brief exchange has got me smittened again. One more proof how we’re only too human to be desirious of attention and some affection from some certain ones — whoever or wherever we are — regardless of our advancing years. This time, though, I’m a bit wiser to utilize substantially my online infatuation to be able to appreciate what was previously an alien art to me and to also revise/refresh my old scripts. That’s what it must be all about (I guess): an ongoing discovery of catalysts for our growth. I hope to get better at creating something from actually nothing. Maybe. Still, I hate the foolish sentiments and the silly lass that spring out from it all, every time. 🙂
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Falling in love is an invariably beautiful thing. Love, lust, adoration–whatever the fall entails. I can fully relate to your experiences; the imagination is a powerful piece of existence, and I think that’s what these types of “loves” strike. They inspire in some way, strike some kind of fanciful chord. They mean something to us, and often lead us to acts of creation and being in the world for which we might not otherwise be impelled to reach. We should run with these fancies, but while maintaining mindfulness in order to see them as such. Not in order to diminish the feeling or counteract the spell, but for the simple sake of acknowledging our thoughts and feelings and allowing them free reign to pass through us, enrich our lives, and possibly even open up new and different ways of being present in the world. So, I agree with you completely: these are catalysts for growth, openings for selfhood, opportunities to take and to give.
Thank you for sharing this, and, as always, for reading.
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